Random Thoughts


Ok, eariler I was looking for a section from Caitanya Caritamrta about devotees fighting with each other and it had mysteriously disappeared. Recently I found it! But not in Caitanya Caritamrta, it was in the Nityananda Caritamrta- close but no burfi, hehe.

Its at the very end of Adi-lila:

Vaisnavas are always pure and full of knowledge. So, if there is ever any quarrel between them, know it simply to be part of their pastime. If a person takes the side of one Vaisnava and criticises another, then certainly he is vanquished.

for some reason I thought there was more to it than this. But anyway, good passage to keep in mind when you see devotees fighting.

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…but my Deities are gorgeous. Here, I shall bombard you with pictures now.

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My Radha Madanamohan are so merciful. I am so fallen and lowly, but still They take so much mercy on me. What did I do to deserve someone as sweet as Them? I’ve seen a lot of Deities in my lifetime, but somehow not like Them. They reciprocate like I have never seen before with anyone. Why are They so kind? Why are They so different from the others? My Madanamohan is a prankster, He likes to play lots of tricks. And Radharani is sooo beautiful, but She gets very jealous when I turn my attention away from Their service. Which is good because it keeps me on track. How did I get so much Mercy…

The sting of not being able to serve Sri-Sri Nitai Gauranataraj anymore is still there. It hurt really badly last Wednesday when I didnt go, but not as badly as Sunday when I saw Them. I love all the little things I used to do for Them. I miss serving Them more than anyone could possibly imagine. But because of me, offense was committed- and I cannot forgive myself. Somehow around Them I cannot help myself, I forget myself. Maybe its Their long, lotus eyes. Their curly locks of black hair. The sweet little smile on Their red lips. I am a fool for that smile. To see Their dancing bodies I could wake up every day for mangala-arati. But serving Them made me neglect everything else, my home, my husband, even eating and sleeping- and it shouldnt be that way. At least, not yet.

Wow, this turned into a depressing post super fast. Ok, think of something else…

INDIA! My husband and I are making a trip to India in August! We are so excited! This will be my first trip ever to India. My husband is so nervous, he doesnt know if I will like it or not but I so know I will. I’ll be there for two months (beginning of August to the end of September). And we’ll be there for these festivals: Jhulan Yatra (which reminds me- must start make green outfit for Deities), Lord Balaram’s Appearance Day, Krishna Janamastami, Srila Prabhupada’s Appearance Day, Radhastami (another outfit for the Deities), Guru Maharaj’s Vyasa Puja, Vamana Dvadasi and Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura Appearance Day. There are definitely more holy days but I dont remember them all now. Im so excited! Please pray that my husband and I make it and can absorb as much Mercy as we possibly can!! I was thinking that video blogging is an order for this trip. My problem is that I get so busy just enjoying the atmosphere I forget to take pictures or video. But I’ll do my best. Will keep you all posted as the trip gets closer.

Many people having been asking me why Im not back in school yet. Which is probably part of the reason why I dont talk to many people. I have a really hard time explaining my feelings to people. Probably because feelings dont come in words, they come in feelings. Anyway, I am going to try to explain this the best that I can.

When I took the time off, I had just finished Community College and I had to start getting ready to transfer to the University of Central Florida. I think I just figured that I could take the semester off and go to India for Gaura Purnima and come back in time for the fall semester of UCF. But I got into all this stuff about my citizenship and my husbands green card so my trip to India has been delayed. I really dont want to go back to school until I’ve been to India first. Thats all.

Okay, now with the feelings. Whew. Okay…I remember the night I had finished my last class at Valencia. I had gotten A’s and B’s in all of my classes. But I was still feeling super miserable. I remember driving home and just crying and crying. I got good grades, but all I could think about was waking up to the sounds of peacocks in Vrindavan, or going on Parikrama in Mayapur, serving Guru Maharaj in Ujjain. Somehow I felt like my life had lost some meaning. Sure I got good grades and I was finishing school. But I felt like I was going to lose who I was. It was like an early-life crisis. I wanted some direction and meaning in my life, something I could hold on to forever. I wanted to go to India to find myself. Sure, I’ve read lots of books and the US has plenty of temples. But India is the motherland! You cant just learn who you are from books, you only get an idea, an understanding. I feel like, to figure out who I am, it takes some experience.

My whole life, I always felt like I was doing things because I had to do it, maybe I was hoping it would open itself up to something much bigger, but it just never did. And every day I feel like Im getting more and more entangled in… mundane-ness. Like I finish school, I have to get a job, my husband has been killing me about having kids. And then everything that I wanted for myself I have to put on a back burner for 20 years or so.

For some reason, when I told everyone about my desire to go to India they were against it. No one wanted me to go alone. And definitely not without them. Suddenly my trip that was supposed to be about serving the dham, inner reflection, gaining peace of mind, discovering who I am and my purpose in life- turned into a trip about sightseeing and buying sarees at Loi Bazaar. That wasnt the India I wanted to experience. But Im willing to experience any type of India. As long as its India.

I know what you’re saying to yourself, why not go after school? Whats wrong with going to India later? It’ll always be there. But would India always be there? Its becoming more technologically advanced and losing more of its spiritual culture. Holy places of pilgrimage are disapearing! Every day Govardhana Hill grows smaller by one mustard seed, the Yamuna river is slowly drying up. School will always be there, it hasnt changed in years. I will go back to school, I have no doubt about it.

So thats it. Does this make any sense at all? Does no one else have this bitter and tormenting yearning in their heart like I do? Ugh, maybe Im just crazy.

More or less stressful day at work. Occasionally something funny happens. I saw someone had the last name “Nigro” and it made me laugh. What if their first name was “Ida”? Ida Nigro…now THATS comedy! I dont think that was their first name though.

I convinced one of the Pharm. Techs that a customers name was “Fella’ McGuy”. That made me laugh when she put his name in the computer and it didnt come up (obviously). I think his name was Charles or something.

I keep seeing people around my age with children. And it makes me realize that I’m getting older. And everything is changing. Like one day they’re swinging singles, the next day they’re Mom’s and Dads. Some people I remember from elementary school and now they’re on their second kid. And then I wondered if this is how old people feel when they see their friends and family die one-by-one. Like they wake up one day and everyone is gone and they’re like “holy crap, Im old”. There’s an old lady that comes to my pharmacy, she’s 94 and wishes she was dead because everyone she knows is dead and she lives all alone and someone stole her credit card or something and thats how they stole her identity and she had a really hard time with that and she wishes she was dead.

And that was my day. Sort of.