Many people having been asking me why Im not back in school yet. Which is probably part of the reason why I dont talk to many people. I have a really hard time explaining my feelings to people. Probably because feelings dont come in words, they come in feelings. Anyway, I am going to try to explain this the best that I can.

When I took the time off, I had just finished Community College and I had to start getting ready to transfer to the University of Central Florida. I think I just figured that I could take the semester off and go to India for Gaura Purnima and come back in time for the fall semester of UCF. But I got into all this stuff about my citizenship and my husbands green card so my trip to India has been delayed. I really dont want to go back to school until I’ve been to India first. Thats all.

Okay, now with the feelings. Whew. Okay…I remember the night I had finished my last class at Valencia. I had gotten A’s and B’s in all of my classes. But I was still feeling super miserable. I remember driving home and just crying and crying. I got good grades, but all I could think about was waking up to the sounds of peacocks in Vrindavan, or going on Parikrama in Mayapur, serving Guru Maharaj in Ujjain. Somehow I felt like my life had lost some meaning. Sure I got good grades and I was finishing school. But I felt like I was going to lose who I was. It was like an early-life crisis. I wanted some direction and meaning in my life, something I could hold on to forever. I wanted to go to India to find myself. Sure, I’ve read lots of books and the US has plenty of temples. But India is the motherland! You cant just learn who you are from books, you only get an idea, an understanding. I feel like, to figure out who I am, it takes some experience.

My whole life, I always felt like I was doing things because I had to do it, maybe I was hoping it would open itself up to something much bigger, but it just never did. And every day I feel like Im getting more and more entangled in… mundane-ness. Like I finish school, I have to get a job, my husband has been killing me about having kids. And then everything that I wanted for myself I have to put on a back burner for 20 years or so.

For some reason, when I told everyone about my desire to go to India they were against it. No one wanted me to go alone. And definitely not without them. Suddenly my trip that was supposed to be about serving the dham, inner reflection, gaining peace of mind, discovering who I am and my purpose in life- turned into a trip about sightseeing and buying sarees at Loi Bazaar. That wasnt the India I wanted to experience. But Im willing to experience any type of India. As long as its India.

I know what you’re saying to yourself, why not go after school? Whats wrong with going to India later? It’ll always be there. But would India always be there? Its becoming more technologically advanced and losing more of its spiritual culture. Holy places of pilgrimage are disapearing! Every day Govardhana Hill grows smaller by one mustard seed, the Yamuna river is slowly drying up. School will always be there, it hasnt changed in years. I will go back to school, I have no doubt about it.

So thats it. Does this make any sense at all? Does no one else have this bitter and tormenting yearning in their heart like I do? Ugh, maybe Im just crazy.

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