January 2009


Many people having been asking me why Im not back in school yet. Which is probably part of the reason why I dont talk to many people. I have a really hard time explaining my feelings to people. Probably because feelings dont come in words, they come in feelings. Anyway, I am going to try to explain this the best that I can.

When I took the time off, I had just finished Community College and I had to start getting ready to transfer to the University of Central Florida. I think I just figured that I could take the semester off and go to India for Gaura Purnima and come back in time for the fall semester of UCF. But I got into all this stuff about my citizenship and my husbands green card so my trip to India has been delayed. I really dont want to go back to school until I’ve been to India first. Thats all.

Okay, now with the feelings. Whew. Okay…I remember the night I had finished my last class at Valencia. I had gotten A’s and B’s in all of my classes. But I was still feeling super miserable. I remember driving home and just crying and crying. I got good grades, but all I could think about was waking up to the sounds of peacocks in Vrindavan, or going on Parikrama in Mayapur, serving Guru Maharaj in Ujjain. Somehow I felt like my life had lost some meaning. Sure I got good grades and I was finishing school. But I felt like I was going to lose who I was. It was like an early-life crisis. I wanted some direction and meaning in my life, something I could hold on to forever. I wanted to go to India to find myself. Sure, I’ve read lots of books and the US has plenty of temples. But India is the motherland! You cant just learn who you are from books, you only get an idea, an understanding. I feel like, to figure out who I am, it takes some experience.

My whole life, I always felt like I was doing things because I had to do it, maybe I was hoping it would open itself up to something much bigger, but it just never did. And every day I feel like Im getting more and more entangled in… mundane-ness. Like I finish school, I have to get a job, my husband has been killing me about having kids. And then everything that I wanted for myself I have to put on a back burner for 20 years or so.

For some reason, when I told everyone about my desire to go to India they were against it. No one wanted me to go alone. And definitely not without them. Suddenly my trip that was supposed to be about serving the dham, inner reflection, gaining peace of mind, discovering who I am and my purpose in life- turned into a trip about sightseeing and buying sarees at Loi Bazaar. That wasnt the India I wanted to experience. But Im willing to experience any type of India. As long as its India.

I know what you’re saying to yourself, why not go after school? Whats wrong with going to India later? It’ll always be there. But would India always be there? Its becoming more technologically advanced and losing more of its spiritual culture. Holy places of pilgrimage are disapearing! Every day Govardhana Hill grows smaller by one mustard seed, the Yamuna river is slowly drying up. School will always be there, it hasnt changed in years. I will go back to school, I have no doubt about it.

So thats it. Does this make any sense at all? Does no one else have this bitter and tormenting yearning in their heart like I do? Ugh, maybe Im just crazy.

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Im trying to lose weight. It really really really really sucks. I mean, I have to lose about 85 pounds. Its really hard. I havent been trying very hard these last couple weeks but I am getting back on track as of my weigh-in tomorrow. My aim is to lose all 100 pounds. The hardest thing isnt eating appropriately. Thats easy with all the fat-free and low-fat stuff thats out there these days. The hardest part is exercising. Im really really lazy and I dont like to do anything that involves…anything.¬†

What Im going to try to do is post how much exercise I did on facebook. Hopefully I can stay accountable. But I need some kind of weekly incentive. I cant think of anything though. There isnt anything that I want super badly. Maybe I can buy something at Jo-Ann fabrics every week. I dunno, I cant think of anything. BRB.

More or less stressful day at work. Occasionally something funny happens. I saw someone had the last name “Nigro” and it made me laugh. What if their first name was “Ida”? Ida Nigro…now THATS comedy! I dont think that was their first name though.

I convinced one of the Pharm. Techs that a customers name was “Fella’ McGuy”. That made me laugh when she put his name in the computer and it didnt come up (obviously). I think his name was Charles or something.

I keep seeing people around my age with children. And it makes me realize that I’m getting older. And everything is changing. Like one day they’re swinging singles, the next day they’re Mom’s and Dads. Some people I remember from elementary school and now they’re on their second kid. And then I wondered if this is how old people feel when they see their friends and family die one-by-one. Like they wake up one day and everyone is gone and they’re like “holy crap, Im old”. There’s an old lady that comes to my pharmacy, she’s 94 and wishes she was dead because everyone she knows is dead and she lives all alone and someone stole her credit card or something and thats how they stole her identity and she had a really hard time with that and she wishes she was dead.

And that was my day. Sort of.

My husband and I tend to have creative differences when it comes to singing. We argue a lot. But most of them are about singing- which then leads to an argument about women’s rights- and then I end up crying and wondering why me. But thats a whole other story.

I have a hypothesis about singers. They come in two varieties. There are people who like to sing. And there are are people who like to hear themselves sing.

People who like to sing usually arent terribly good singers. They arent bad, they just arent very good. Maybe just good. Pretty good at best. They sing whatever they feel like singing, even if it doesnt suit their voice. Maybe the song is too high, too low, too feminine, too masculine, too fast, too slow- it doesnt matter, its whatever is stirring in their heart.

People who like to hear themselves sing are generally really good singers, they will sing anything that makes them sound good, even if its the same tune that they’ve been singing for the last 10 years. They ususally dont hand the microphone over to other people unless those others are really good singers too or they have to give it to another person out of respect (like the temple president or a senior devotee).

Its not that one is worse or better than the other. In general people find both types of singers pretty nice to listen to. But from my experience, these two types cant seem to get along. And its not just me and my husband. I’ve seen it so many times with lots of people. Anyway, this is just a hypothesis I came up with about a week ago.

I really just wish my husband and I can get along.

Now, for your listening pleasure and mine, I have my husbands kirtan from  after the Sunday program available as a download! Happy listening!

1/4/09
Jagannath Krishna Das leading kirtan

This year my resolution is communicate more with people. Last year I wasnt so good at staying in touch, didnt return phone calls (or make ’em), didnt post very much on my blog(s). But this year I will try to be different. I started by opening a new Facebook account. I was never really into Facebook or Myspace. I tried to get into Myspace but I really just cant. But I do find Facebook tolerable. So feel free to add me, just search by my initiated name and add me as a friend.

Every now and then I have dreams about people I used to talk to but I dont anymore, usually due to misunderstandings that I had with them but I’m over now. I really miss those people and I felt like I was really close with them but am not anymore, which explains the dreaming. I feel a lot of remorse for anything I did to knowingly or unknowingly harm those friends. My aim this year is to try to contact them, and maybe we can be good friends again, or maybe have some kind of closure.
I would also like to be better with birthdays. Remembering to call people at the very least. Maybe send some cards. Mail gifts to close friends and family. Im really truly horrible at birthdays. I just never seem to remember. Or I remember when the occasion has passed many days later. But this year I plan to be better at it.

My husbands predictions for 2009:
After March the international economy will be much better. If you invest in the stock market March through July you’ll make twice what you invested. India and Pakistan are threatening to fight each other but they wont do anything until March. Now is the time to buy a house. $1 million houses will sell for a meager $400,000.