I’ve been reflecting lately on, well, myself. Pretty much feeling sorry for myself and my situation. Which I hate doing, it makes me feel self-absorbed.

But I’ve just been thinking about myself, my life. How much I struggled to become a devotee amongst unfavorable people and even less favorable situations. How much Ive hankered to take initiation for years but for some reason or the other, never recieved it. And now Im in a situation where I cant serve in the temple and I want to serve Krishna somehow, in some oraganized way, but the opportunity never comes. And I feel restless. Every day feels like two, Im depressed, lonely and all I can think about is suicide. When can I serve Krishna again. When? When?! WHEN?!

Does that make me seem like Im some sort of devotee poser? Like Im trying to sound like a devotee and act like a devotee when Im not? Sorta sahajiya-ish. Anyway, to me, its real. And my husband, for the life of him, is trying in his power to help me. But Im such a fallen person, I cannot even engage in serving the Lord- even after all these years…

Which brings me to the point of this whole ramble, when does someone get mercy (in any and all its forms)? Do you have to do certain karma’s? Learn certain lessons? Have a certain fate?

I see some people get into Krishna Consciousness some are sincere and follow the regs. some are just pretenders and dont, after a couple months they get to do a bunch of service, couple months later they take initiation, few months (maybe a year) after that they take second. And here I am (“like a cold frog near a smelly pond” as I always say, thats just the first image in my mind when I think of being alone) I try so so hard, I read every day, pray to Krishna, chant my rounds with attention. And its been years people! Years! No result. Nothing. In fact, things just seem to get worse for me. And the other devotee, after a couple years falls away from Krishna Consciousness and ISKCON altogether and Im screaming in my mind, “why would you initiate someone like that when I would do anything to become a part of this sankirtan mission?!”. It makes me feel bad. Really bad. Why am i put in a situation like this? When will that day be mine when I can finally take official shelter of my Guru Maharaj and unflinchingly serve him?

Some devotees have told me that its like this because with truly monumental devotees, things get worse and worse until the very last second, something amazing happens! Narasimhadeva springs from the pillar! Lord Vishnu finally appears before Dhruva! And Krishna saves the honor of Draupadi.

There is a flaw in this logic. These are all amazingly great devotees. I dont even rank high enough to touch their lotus feet what to speak of becoming monumental. So there must be some other reason for all this suffering.

Any answers? Did this even make any sense?