Did you ever have a realization that truly freaked you out? Like you hear it all the time, over and over again and intellectually you accept it, but then one day it just hits you like a ten-pound bag of potatoes to the face.

That happened to me the other day. We all know the “frog in the well” example. Srila Prabhupada uses it as an example many times. In case you need a refresher, here is a quotation from Science of Self Realization:

Then they are suffering from what we call “Doctor Frog’s philosophy.” There was once a frog who had lived all his life in a well. One day a friend visited him and informed him of the existence of the Atlantic Ocean.
“Oh, what is this Atlantic Ocean?” asked the frog in the well.
“It is a vast body of water,” his friend replied.
“How vast? ls it double the size of this well?”
“Oh, no, much larger,” his friend replied.
“How much larger? Ten times the size?”
In this way the frog went on calculating. But what was the possibility of his ever understanding the depths and far reaches of the great ocean? Our faculties, experience, and powers of speculation are always limited. The frog was always thinking in terms relative to his well. He had no power to think otherwise. Similarly, the scientists are estimating the Absolute Truth, the cause of all causes, with their imperfect senses and minds, and thus they are bound to be bewildered. The essential fault of the so-called scientists is that they have adopted the inductive process to arrive at their conclusions.

Pretty understandable, right? Modern science cannot evaluate what is beyond their limited material senses.

But then I started to think, we are all sitting in this well and evaluating our lives, the importance of our stuff with our limitted senses not realizing that there is a huge ocean out there. But we keep doing the same stuff over and over because we dont really get that there is something more than this. Someone comes along and says, “hey there is a whole spiritual world, in fact, of the entire creation, the material world is tiny and ridiculous.” and even though we keep hearing this, we keep trudging along in our weary routine lives, not really letting it sink in. Because if we did, what would we do? Everything we’ve ever known, everything we’ve ever strived for, would lose meaning. And that would really suck.

Well things matter to an extent. But not as much as we think. Like everything we’re doing is so temporary and replaceable. We try to fix it but the nature of material existence is that everything is temporary so nothing really lasts forever. You fix it, then it breaks.

So what can be done? We need to refocus our mentality. If everyone could refocus their understanding of the creation, that there is a vast ocean, more free and wonderful than you can possibly imagine, then everything we once considered mundane would suddenly have meaning.

Maybe Im wrong, I dont know. I kinda blew my own mind and Im confused and I want to talk to my Guru Maharaj. I feel like, everything I’ve ever done didnt really mean anything to me. I’ve always felt that way. But things happen and I just snapped right out of my zombie stupor and said “what am I doing with my life?!”

But I felt really sad when I heard Micheal Jackson died. Not like, “Oh no! The King of Pop died! How can I carry on with my life?!” No, I just felt really sorry. It just shows you how you can have everything in the world- influence, money even being charitable, but none of it matters if you have no peace of mind. People always talk about “Oh if only I had a million dollars…” but this man had millions of dollars, and it meant nothing for his peace of mind.

You can see that he tried giving the money away, building this and that, but it landed him in more trouble. Even with all his money and his sweet dance moves, his life was just…pathetic. He was just not happy. I wish everyone can learn from his life that money doesnt bring happiness, neither does fame, charitableness, or the moonwalk. Peace of mind, whether you are living in a billion dollar mansion or under the I-4 bridge, is the most valuable object a person can posses.

Sad. Very very sad.

Ok, eariler I was looking for a section from Caitanya Caritamrta about devotees fighting with each other and it had mysteriously disappeared. Recently I found it! But not in Caitanya Caritamrta, it was in the Nityananda Caritamrta- close but no burfi, hehe.

Its at the very end of Adi-lila:

Vaisnavas are always pure and full of knowledge. So, if there is ever any quarrel between them, know it simply to be part of their pastime. If a person takes the side of one Vaisnava and criticises another, then certainly he is vanquished.

for some reason I thought there was more to it than this. But anyway, good passage to keep in mind when you see devotees fighting.

The Panihati Festival in Atlanta is coming up this weekend and Im so excited to go! I love going to New Panihati Dham, there is always so much service, I love it. The last time I went to the Panihati Festival, I was so engaged- washing pots in the kitchen, cutting vegetables for the auction pots. It was fun watching Jayapataka Maharaj walk around and chat with all of us, it was a very intimate service, I felt very fortunate to do it. I think it will be just as fun this year and I think more people would come this year than in previous ones.

Ooh, I just read that Malati Prabhu, Bhakti Sundar Maharaj and Radhanath Maharaj are going to be there in addition to Jayapataka Maharaj and Pankajanghari Prabhu. This festival is going to be awesome!!! There are going to be so many devotees, Im going with my best friends, and the Atlanta temple is so close to Srila Prabhuapda, this festival is definitely going to be a blast.

I might try to update while Im at the festival, it depends on whether or not the motel we are staying at has internet.

So who is going?!

…but my Deities are gorgeous. Here, I shall bombard you with pictures now.

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My Radha Madanamohan are so merciful. I am so fallen and lowly, but still They take so much mercy on me. What did I do to deserve someone as sweet as Them? I’ve seen a lot of Deities in my lifetime, but somehow not like Them. They reciprocate like I have never seen before with anyone. Why are They so kind? Why are They so different from the others? My Madanamohan is a prankster, He likes to play lots of tricks. And Radharani is sooo beautiful, but She gets very jealous when I turn my attention away from Their service. Which is good because it keeps me on track. How did I get so much Mercy…

The sting of not being able to serve Sri-Sri Nitai Gauranataraj anymore is still there. It hurt really badly last Wednesday when I didnt go, but not as badly as Sunday when I saw Them. I love all the little things I used to do for Them. I miss serving Them more than anyone could possibly imagine. But because of me, offense was committed- and I cannot forgive myself. Somehow around Them I cannot help myself, I forget myself. Maybe its Their long, lotus eyes. Their curly locks of black hair. The sweet little smile on Their red lips. I am a fool for that smile. To see Their dancing bodies I could wake up every day for mangala-arati. But serving Them made me neglect everything else, my home, my husband, even eating and sleeping- and it shouldnt be that way. At least, not yet.

Wow, this turned into a depressing post super fast. Ok, think of something else…

INDIA! My husband and I are making a trip to India in August! We are so excited! This will be my first trip ever to India. My husband is so nervous, he doesnt know if I will like it or not but I so know I will. I’ll be there for two months (beginning of August to the end of September). And we’ll be there for these festivals: Jhulan Yatra (which reminds me- must start make green outfit for Deities), Lord Balaram’s Appearance Day, Krishna Janamastami, Srila Prabhupada’s Appearance Day, Radhastami (another outfit for the Deities), Guru Maharaj’s Vyasa Puja, Vamana Dvadasi and Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura Appearance Day. There are definitely more holy days but I dont remember them all now. Im so excited! Please pray that my husband and I make it and can absorb as much Mercy as we possibly can!! I was thinking that video blogging is an order for this trip. My problem is that I get so busy just enjoying the atmosphere I forget to take pictures or video. But I’ll do my best. Will keep you all posted as the trip gets closer.

Im the worst ghee wick roller in the world. Its never tight enough and the wick part of the ghee wick isnt long or thick enough. I dont know why I derided the wick rolling for so long, its really really hard. Bleh, anyway.

I went to the temple for morning program. There is something so special about going to the temple in the morning, I can’t put my finger on it but Im always touched by the intimacy between myself and the Deities. Its an amazing feeling.

HH Danavir Maharaj gave Srimad Bhagavatam class this morning about the Appearance of Sukadev Goswami. They were describing his bodily features and how he was recieved by all the sages in the assembly (1.19.26-29). We dicussed the significance of the marks on a persons body that defines them as being auspicious. It was pretty neat. He also said that since we are all eternal there are no “old souls”. It doesnt matter how old a devotee is, but their realization in Krishna Consciousness. Just like Sukadev Goswami was only 16 years old but speaking in front of such a large assembly of devotees. Thats not to say that we dont give respect to our seniors, of course we do out of social courtesy, but that doesnt mean that they are knowledgeable about Krishna. Maharaj gave a very nice example (I really appreciate Maharaj’s examples to explain the various topics about Krishna, its very helpful to simple minded folks like myself) that if you are on an airplane, you would give an elderly person your seat but you would never ask them to fly the plane. Pretty neat, eh?

Ok, Im done blogging I have to get back to *sigh* rolling ghee wicks.

(speaking aside to non-existent person in my head) what do you mean I’m on Planet ISKCON?….but PI is full of intelligent, talented devotees with something to offer to the Vaisnava community- all I do write down rambling insane thoughts…What if they find out my deep dark secrets like I think carob tastes disgusting, or that sometimes during kirtan I pretend Im a rock star…What? What do you mean they can read everything Im writing right now?! Oh..

*ahem* Hare Krishna! Thank you for having me on Planet ISKCON! I dont know if I have anything of value to say, but, maybe you’ll find a couple gold nuggets in this otherwise muddy water. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Prema-Rupa Devi Dasi. I am an insignificant disciple of HH Bhakti Caru Swami.

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My husbands name is Jagannath Krishna Das. He’s the best singer ever. And a very loving and forgiving husband who kindly tolerates all my shortcomings.

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I live in Orlando, Florida. We are so fortunate to have the association of not one, but two sannyasis- HH Trivikrama Swami

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and HH Danavir Swami.

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Our temple is really nice, and full of enthusiastic and inspiring devotees. The Deities we have here are Sri Sri Nitai Gaura-Nataraj. Maybe Im speaking out of pride, but they are the most beautiful Gaura-Nitai Deities ever. And so merciful!

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This is a picture of my home Deities, Sri Sri Radha Madanamohana- who kindly tolerate all my offenses.

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And…thats pretty much it…Well, there’s more, I have friends and family and back-stories and all that jazz but that will come with time. I hope that now that Im on Planet ISKCON I’ll be inspired to share more with others, no promises, but we’ll see.

Hmm…what else…I should say something….inspiring…….ok here goes…

Ugh, for the last hour Ive been trying to find something that I read recently in Caitanya Caritamrta about how when devotees fight it shouldnt be taken seriously. Im looking everywhere and I cant find it! Did my mind just make the whole thing up?! I’m going back and forth through the whole thing and I dont see it. So frustrating. Well, here’s another section that I like to keep in mind and heart. Sarvabhauma Bhattacharya’s son-in-law, Amogha, used to criticize everyone and after criticizing Lord Caitanya, the Bhattacharya disowned him and then Amogha came down with cholera. Lord Caitanya was so merciful, he visited Amogha, placed his hands on Amogha’s chest, which cured him of his cholera, and he said this:

The heart of a bramhana is by nature very clean, and thus it is a proper place for Lord Krishna to sit. Why have you allowed jealousy to sit there, for by doing so you have contaminated a most purified place, and become like a chandala, the lowest of men?

Something intense to think about.

Many people having been asking me why Im not back in school yet. Which is probably part of the reason why I dont talk to many people. I have a really hard time explaining my feelings to people. Probably because feelings dont come in words, they come in feelings. Anyway, I am going to try to explain this the best that I can.

When I took the time off, I had just finished Community College and I had to start getting ready to transfer to the University of Central Florida. I think I just figured that I could take the semester off and go to India for Gaura Purnima and come back in time for the fall semester of UCF. But I got into all this stuff about my citizenship and my husbands green card so my trip to India has been delayed. I really dont want to go back to school until I’ve been to India first. Thats all.

Okay, now with the feelings. Whew. Okay…I remember the night I had finished my last class at Valencia. I had gotten A’s and B’s in all of my classes. But I was still feeling super miserable. I remember driving home and just crying and crying. I got good grades, but all I could think about was waking up to the sounds of peacocks in Vrindavan, or going on Parikrama in Mayapur, serving Guru Maharaj in Ujjain. Somehow I felt like my life had lost some meaning. Sure I got good grades and I was finishing school. But I felt like I was going to lose who I was. It was like an early-life crisis. I wanted some direction and meaning in my life, something I could hold on to forever. I wanted to go to India to find myself. Sure, I’ve read lots of books and the US has plenty of temples. But India is the motherland! You cant just learn who you are from books, you only get an idea, an understanding. I feel like, to figure out who I am, it takes some experience.

My whole life, I always felt like I was doing things because I had to do it, maybe I was hoping it would open itself up to something much bigger, but it just never did. And every day I feel like Im getting more and more entangled in… mundane-ness. Like I finish school, I have to get a job, my husband has been killing me about having kids. And then everything that I wanted for myself I have to put on a back burner for 20 years or so.

For some reason, when I told everyone about my desire to go to India they were against it. No one wanted me to go alone. And definitely not without them. Suddenly my trip that was supposed to be about serving the dham, inner reflection, gaining peace of mind, discovering who I am and my purpose in life- turned into a trip about sightseeing and buying sarees at Loi Bazaar. That wasnt the India I wanted to experience. But Im willing to experience any type of India. As long as its India.

I know what you’re saying to yourself, why not go after school? Whats wrong with going to India later? It’ll always be there. But would India always be there? Its becoming more technologically advanced and losing more of its spiritual culture. Holy places of pilgrimage are disapearing! Every day Govardhana Hill grows smaller by one mustard seed, the Yamuna river is slowly drying up. School will always be there, it hasnt changed in years. I will go back to school, I have no doubt about it.

So thats it. Does this make any sense at all? Does no one else have this bitter and tormenting yearning in their heart like I do? Ugh, maybe Im just crazy.

Im trying to lose weight. It really really really really sucks. I mean, I have to lose about 85 pounds. Its really hard. I havent been trying very hard these last couple weeks but I am getting back on track as of my weigh-in tomorrow. My aim is to lose all 100 pounds. The hardest thing isnt eating appropriately. Thats easy with all the fat-free and low-fat stuff thats out there these days. The hardest part is exercising. Im really really lazy and I dont like to do anything that involves…anything. 

What Im going to try to do is post how much exercise I did on facebook. Hopefully I can stay accountable. But I need some kind of weekly incentive. I cant think of anything though. There isnt anything that I want super badly. Maybe I can buy something at Jo-Ann fabrics every week. I dunno, I cant think of anything. BRB.

More or less stressful day at work. Occasionally something funny happens. I saw someone had the last name “Nigro” and it made me laugh. What if their first name was “Ida”? Ida Nigro…now THATS comedy! I dont think that was their first name though.

I convinced one of the Pharm. Techs that a customers name was “Fella’ McGuy”. That made me laugh when she put his name in the computer and it didnt come up (obviously). I think his name was Charles or something.

I keep seeing people around my age with children. And it makes me realize that I’m getting older. And everything is changing. Like one day they’re swinging singles, the next day they’re Mom’s and Dads. Some people I remember from elementary school and now they’re on their second kid. And then I wondered if this is how old people feel when they see their friends and family die one-by-one. Like they wake up one day and everyone is gone and they’re like “holy crap, Im old”. There’s an old lady that comes to my pharmacy, she’s 94 and wishes she was dead because everyone she knows is dead and she lives all alone and someone stole her credit card or something and thats how they stole her identity and she had a really hard time with that and she wishes she was dead.

And that was my day. Sort of.

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