Caitanya- the movie

I dont post much. In fact I have a whole bunch of stuff in my mind that I do want to talk about. But this has always been on my mind.

Someone should make a movie about Lord Caitanya. I know there is that really old one from 1957 or something- but thats what inspired me. And then seeing the end of Abhay Charan that my Guru Maharaj did. It was so beautiful! So why dont we make a movie about Lord Caitanya? I asked my Guru Maharaj once and he said that he’s not ready to make a movie like that. I think he said that he’s been thinking about making a movie about Sankaracarya. Which is a good idea. It will clear up a lot of misconceptions about him and I can see it becoming a very popular movie since most people follow the Sankara philosophy.

But I would really love to see a movie about Lord Caitanya. I can really see it in my mind. But how? Im just a simple lady. Working two jobs to make ends meet. I dont have the finances. What I do have is a a decent grasp of scrip writing and a pile of creativity and imagination. Oh, and my Dad has always wanted to make a movie so maybe its something I can talk to him about? I dunno. But I think it would be so beautiful to make a whole series about Lord Caitanya.

I think the reason why Im talking about it now is because not too long ago I finished watching the serial about Srila Prabhupada and now Im watching the serial about Krishna- and I just feel like Im missing something in the middle.

Can you imagine it? Opening the first scene with Krsnadas Kaviraj finishing one of his greatest works- Caitanya Caritamrta and narrating it to… someone? A disciple? the Six Goswami’s? And he eloquently offers his obeisances to the disciplic succession. And as he describes the scene in which Nimai was born, its like he’s tasting it as the scene fades out and then we fade in first with hearing Jagannath Misra singing the glories of Lord Hari. And the first shot we see is of the lunar eclipse. We see the men engaged with Jagannath Misra in bhajan. Mother Saci is resting with her newborn baby and the village ladies surround her, chattering and giggling excitedly about the baby. Saci Mata looks at her newborn with love and says, “Nimai…My Nimai…” and kisses his forehead. Fade out.

How does that sound? Good? Weird? Cheezy? I dunno. It was just an idea.

Gaura Haribol!

 

No matter what, just let it go and serve Krishna.

Stupid mind and crazy thoughts. Haha. I wont go into too many details because it would be better for me to get straight to the point. Basically, stuff has happened. Then other stuff happened that made me think, ‘why should I do this? All that stuff happened, why should I do any service for them?! I suffered and now they try to charm me with nice words so that I can be used again? Hell no, Im not doing anything for anyone anymore!’ But then I let my intelligence take over and I thought more deeply. Here are my thoughts:

1. I decided that, so what if they use me? Its not like Im an important person that cant be ignored. A servant is used and when there is no need for the servant they are tossed. Thats it. 
2. Now that I have some understanding, I will try to not have expectations of what should happen. Even though people claim to be devotees that doesnt mean that they act like human beings.
3. I do enjoy serving Krishna, so whenever I have an opportunity, I gotta take it.
4. Um…yay devotional service.

So I convinced myself to let go of my false ego, and no matter what, serve Krishna, serve devotees, get purified. This is the thing, to become a good devotee we have to let go of our hurt, of our offenses, and just serve Krishna, otherwise how will we become purified? How will we be able to let go of our anarthas? How will we be able to see everyone with equal vision? So, small realization. Whatever happens to you, just let it go, serve Krishna, and have no expectation for a certain result.Having this realization is quite a relief really, which is surprising because I’ve set myself up for a lot of pain, but a thousand times pain is nothing compared to the satisfaction of serving Krishna at least once.

 

Live Help on Krishna.com

Haribol!Hmm…Not really sure what to talk about. I have a couple things in draft but I dont feel like finishing it.Haha! Now I know what I wanted to talk about. Live Help on Krishna.com. After leaving my service at the temple I needed to become engaged in something and I saw the post on dandavats.com about needing volunteers. I decided to give it a go and see what it was all about.Well I sent an email and they asked for a brief bio and I had to answer, I think, 14 questions. The questions werent too difficult and after getting approved they gave me info on what my responsibilities are as a volunteer.   My thoughts on being a volunteerWell, I would say that it is quite a nice service and it made me feel a bit better. It extends to more than just people asking about the site but about their personal questions. At first I thought it was odd, like, dont these people have friends and family to confide in? But many times, the problem is friends and family. And I was surprised at the amount of people that dont actually have any association of devotees and depend on Live Help for motivation and encouragement.What really caught me off guard was how many people talk about their personal problems. I mean, their really personal problems. Things I would never ever think of telling anyone, even if I knew I’d never meet that person. But its great that they are so brave to say, “here are my anartha’s, do you have any advice?” And they really do work hard at fixing it. And heck, its a lot better than telling a sannyasi about it.One of the coolest things about being a volunteer is that we have access to the transcripts of each chat we have. I can read what other people have said in past conversations and pick up some pointers and information. Not to mention there is a search button so I like to type in the names of devotees I know and see if they ever used Live Help. In a way, I learn things about people I never ever knew before.I also think its neat that if we need to keep in touch with someone, we can still keep our identities private by telling people that if they need to email us they can just send an email to livehelp@krishna.com with my name in the subject line. I know many people dont think thats fair but I read the transcripts, some people think that LiveHelp is a place to pick-up devotee men and women and it can be really harassing. Which is another cool thing, since we have your IP address, if we find that you are out of line we can put up a temporary ban. If it continues after the ban term then it will be a permanent ban. And since our chats are monitored if we are out of line we get kicked off our service.The only thing that really sucks about this is sometimes we get some people who are either insincere or really rude. Like the other day, a lady wanted to know why Srila Prabhupada says women are lesser intelligent. As I started to respond she she said that the fact that I followed this was nonsense and then asked if she could speak with a senior male devotee. I had to be humble and say “sure” and connect her with someone else. What I really wanted to say was, “Look here you dumb bitch, you criticize Srila Prabhupada for saying women are lesser intelligent but you wont give me five minutes to respond to your question, who’s there sexist one now?”Of course thats not polite.So please people, when you have a question. Be nice and be patient. We arent getting paid and we have lives too. And if you just want to make stupid arguments and challenges then dont bother coming online because the volunteers get really irritated by it. At least I do. Actually, Im probably the worst person you can chat with if you want to argue because im not very nice and Im not very patient.And no, we arent machines,we have good days and bad days. Recently I read a transcript where a volunteer was a bit rude with a visitor for no reason at all. The visitor got connected with me eventually and we got things straightened out. So, if someone is rude to you, just try to get connected with someone else or just leave an email.Jaya. So thats my evaluation. Live Help is a useful tool and if you use it well it can be very beneficial.Edit: I just had a chat with someone and I wanted to add one last thing: please dont ask for money, do I look like Joel Osteen to you (he preaches a lot about making money and being prosperous, I think his church has the biggest following in North America)?We’re devotees of Krishna. We dont really hanker for money so we dont really have any. People also ask about getting a job or a spouse. Uggh, so annoying. Why would anyone ask about this stuff? I can understand asking about engaging in services. But every now an then you hear, “I am an engineer, I can not find job. Can you help me find job? I need job” or “I am looking for a wife. I am from blahblahblah caste. Can you find a wife for me? Maybe you can ask all your friend.” Please dont do that. Its not nice, and frankly, I dont care.Okay, thats not true. I do care. But its not my job or responsibility to help a visitor out like that. I dont even know who they are. Most of the people that visit live in India, what can I do?

 

Dont look at me!

I have to study for finals but I just wanted to post something really quickly about something Bir Krishna Swami wrote on Dandavats.com that caught my attention, especially since I was, for some reason, under the impression that he was a bit liberal.

I thought about commenting to his post but I usually get myself in trouble in public forms so I try to say as little as possible on them.  But I think its perfectly all right to say something here because, well, its my blog, and not a whole lot of people read it anyway.

Now, if I am not mistaken, I think his words are directed toward the gurukulis. We all know that I am not their greatest advocate for a variety of reasons. But for some reason I find myself sticking up for them in this post.

First I do agree that there should not be any rasa-dances performed to modern music. Thats just weird and misleading to the public. I have also seen devotees perform dances to various Bollywood songs that talk about Radha and Krishna (though the song is usually in lieu of the relationship of between the male and female main characters). And its stupid. Srila Prabhupada never encouraged these kinds of performances, check it out in the Krishna Book.

However, I think its okay to do a Rasa-dance performance in tradition indian style with traditional indian music and song. Much like the Odissi dancers Indradyumna Swami uses in his Polish Woodstock Festival. Its not blatantly sexual, its extremely tasteful, and done in a mood of service to Krishna, not in service to the senses.

The next point he makes is, “having ladies dance in such a way in Harinamas that attention becomes focused on them”. And I wonder, how should they dance exactly? Despite my issues, one of the things I have always admired is how beautifully the girls dance. I have always wished I could dance like that instead of jumping around like a clumsy idiot. Is that what we would rather see? Girls jumping around? I think thats far more sexual than the beautiful and organized pattern that they dance in. Maybe Maharaj would prefer that they walk quietly in the back or maybe not even come on the harinams at all.

What he fails to understand is that these girls are not ordinary at all. Srila Prabhupada said that demigods will take birth here just to be able to participate in this sankirtan movement- they are the evidence!!! Think about everything they have been through and they’re still here! Why? Because they have this internal desire that makes them stay. Despite their activities they are still not ordinary personalities. The fact that their bodies are very beautiful and their movements are very graceful it wouldnt surprise me at all if they were some sort of heavenly being.

They arent trying to look drop-dead gorgeous, they just are. Many times I have commented that if you actually look at the way they dress, nothing they wear matches at all. Yet they still manage to look so beautiful! Regular people like me struggle every day to look even half as good as they do.

I was surfing youtube.com once and some karmi girl posted a video of her dancing and singing Hare Krishna as a joke. A guy commented to her post and told her that there was no way she could be a Hare Krishna because all Hare Krishna girls are good-looking and she was ugly, he then told her to youtube search the words “Ratha Yatra” and she can see it for herself that there wasnt a single ugly girl in the crowd.

And he’s right. I’ve never seen an ugly devotee (despite the sometimes ugly personalities).  Perhaps Maharaj, what you really need to be thinking about is not how the ladies dance, but why they dance, because certainly we dont deserve their dancing and amazing kirtan.

Here’s a solution to your problem of attractive girls dancing in an attractive way: Dont look.

Thats right. Dont look. A few times my husband has commented to me about the way I dance and I made it very very clear. Dont look at the ladies side of the room. Because I believe that women hold a sort of bewildering power. It just makes you all confused and you lose focus. And when women dance it’s generally not for the opposite sex but for the joy of dancing and the joy of dancing for Krishna. So dont look. It is not ordinary. We dont have ego issues with the need to show-off our dance skillz like the men-folk do.

I especially dont like men criticizing women. That is so 1982. I’ll tell you what, you watch the male’s sadhana and we’ll keep track of the female sadhana. The senior matajis can handle us just fine, thank you. I dont need a male bodied devotee telling me how to worship my Lord.

If you really want, I could criticize the way the males dance. If you call it dancing at all. All that jumping and spinning and flailing. Maybe you all should keep yourself modest. We arent wild animals, we’re civil people. Right? Why should you be dancing in such a way that you draw attention to yourselves? I am 150% against such dancing by men.

Edit: I was just reading some of the comments on Dandavats. While some make sense, some others were really stupid my favorite one was saying women who overexpose themselves agitate the men but when they fanangle with their outfits in an attempt to cover up it agitates the men so the best thing a woman can do is to be covered up to begin with so that she doesnt have to move around her clothes…..

Clearly this person has never worn a saree…..

Maybe the next time I go to program I should just wear a burka. Or would all that mystery be too much to handle? Horny bastards…

 

Yummy Cookies!

In lieu of the Holiday season and so that I dont forget the recipe- I have found a recipe for cookies that actually work! I’ve always had issues with making cookies, usually they’re too hard or to crumbly. Or too floury or whatever, but these come out perfect! I found it on the back of a package of chocloate chips and I modified it for us Krishnatarians =>

2 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour
1 cup of light brown sugar, packed
1 cup of butter, softened (or melted, it doesnt matter)
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs (not really. This is the secret to egg replacement- For every one egg add a spoonful of sour cream, a splash of milk and a splash of oil. It works for everything except omlettes)
2 cups of chocolate chips (or any other chips for that matter- white, peanut butter, carob- just not potato. haha)
1 cup of nuts (optional)

Pre heat the oven to 375 degrees F. Mix everything together except the chips and nuts. When its well blended stir in the chips and nuts. Drop by rounded teaspoons onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake for 10-12 minutes (let it get a little brown on the edges, be sure to pull it out not over 12 minutes or it will overbake- another cookie making secret taught to me by a friend, I always used to let it overbake and for some reason I couldnt figure out why the cookies were always so hard!). When finished baking let it cool slightly before removing from the plan and onto wire racks.
Makes about 3 1/2 dozen.

 

“The Universal Teacher”- Universally Terrible

While surfing around on Google Video’s I came upon the movie, “The Universal Teacher”.

For those of you that dont know about this movie. Devavision Productions did a movie about the life of Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakur. I guess to advertise for this movie they put out “rare” film footage of Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakur.

At first the whole world was excited to receive such mercy. But certain devotees (myself included), after watching it over and over felt like something was kinda weird about it. And there was. It was fake. Dont believe me? A devotee from Croatia made an excellent video about it.

Check it out here- he did quite a good job in the way he presented his argument- not only did he give good evidence but he was not offensive and even a bit humorous. However, Devavision took offense and were pretty mean to him but couldn’t provide any substantial refutations to his arguments.

So Devavision went on with their movie and continued advertising the “rare clip” and the rest is history. For some reason they put it on Google Videos and here we are. I had high hopes for this movie, despite my doubt. They claimed to have rare movies and photos. As well as interviews with various devotees that knew Saraswati Thakur. I love hearing about Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakur, he is really an amazing and inspiring personality. But, after watching the movie I was sorely disappointed. They didnt do justice to this exalted personality. Here I will give a little review of my likes and dislikes of the movie. Likes first, because there arent many.

Likes

• They have some pretty cool effects- you can tell they have some very fancy equipment and editing programs.
• They had a lot of cool pictures that I’ve either never seen before or saw for a fleeting few minutes. Like this picture from when he was quite young. Maybe around the time he took initiation or younger even? But its still cool:
  
• I actually learned something- I had no idea that Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakur had a Western disciple. He was German bodied and became initiated as Sadananda Das
  
  I always wondered if Bon Maharaj’s preaching in Europe did anything. Especially preaching to Hitler. Wouldnt that be weird if Hitler became a devotee? He’d be like, “Kill all the karmis!” Anyway, thats off the topic.

Dislikes

• Though the effects were very cool, they were also very very distracting from the point of the movie. This includes:
  • The Music- especially the music that introduces each chapter. I realize that they are trying to give an effect to the movie by having some old music playing but it really broke the mood of the documentary.
  • The color- I think about 90% was unnecessarily in black & white and it was just annoying- it didnt really do anything for the movie. And also, they took the liberty of painting saffron onto anything Bhaktisiddhanta wore and I dont really know what that did either.
• I didnt like the interviews. I was expecting to hear some personal stories and watch some people get teary-eyed but no one gave any at all, their talks were so ambiguous- like Saraswati Thakur existed so long ago that no one had a personal memory. Very boring.

• I also didnt think there was enough information about Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakur. He did a lot of amazing things and said some really cool stuff- a lot of which was never said, like what about when he chanted a million rounds and ate straight off the floor due to his humility? I mean really, if you’re going to make a movie entitled “The Universal Teacher” then prove to me that he really is the universal teacher. Maybe instead of it being an hour long documentary make it a few hours. Or even, make a whole series! But if you’re going to make a documentary on the life history of someone you regard as the universal teacher then you better prove it. If they wanted only an hour long movie, then why not just focus on one aspect of his life?
• I didnt like the British stuff at the beginning of the movie, why put it there? We know all about the British rule and Gandhi and all that. Maybe they were trying to create some perspective on the era Srila Bhaktisiddhanta was coming from. but if you know him, then you know that he was completely unaffected by these politics- he even discouraged his disciples from getting involved while everyone in India was. So why stick it in there? Was it really necessary?
• The controversial video- it really didnt add to this overall bad movie. It was like, “Here’s some pictures we found, lets splice it in with pictures we took, lets throw this random video clip in here, now back to the pictures…” I guess Devavision made such a big stink about it being real because if they admitted to it being fake then they’d have to take it out and the whole movie would have collapsed.

So this documentary on the life of Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakur got an overall bad rating from me. It really could have been better. Im not really sure what the midset of the producers were when they made it but it totally stunk. You can tell that they didnt really know anything about Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakur and they should have done more research. They should have done better interviews and overall created a better storyboard.

If you would like to learn about the life of Saraswati Thakur an excellent book to read is called “A Ray of Vishnu” by Rupa-Vilasa Das which I know you can buy from Krishna.com for about $6.00 and well worth every cent. Its very detailed and well put together. It was a very good read and I learned a lot from it.

 

Random post!

Okay, I have lots to talk about.

First, my big secret from speaking with Guru Maharaj on Saturday! We talked about initiation and he was actually thinking about giving it to me on the Sunday after that Saturday! But as you may have noticed, Im still Praveen. He decided that having an initiation at the last minute wouldnt be so nice. He said he would prefer to have a well organized fire sacrifice with a qualified bramhin and all that jazz instead of just throwing something together. *sigh* When will that day be mine?

Second, I decided to skip out of class 15 minutes early on Wednesday to see Guru Maharaj. I didnt realize it would take me an hour to get there. By the time I arrived I heard him speak for five minutes and then the program was finished, normally it doesnt finish so early but I guess because there was hardly anyone he decided to finish. So I thought, okay, that sucks, but tomorrow I will get there on time. So on thursday I get all dolled-up and make my way over there. Im a couple minutes early but I can see through the door everyone is standing in the dinning room. Whats going on? I enter and Guru Maharaj is sitting at the dinning room table, he looks up at me, “You’re late”. I fumble and say something like, “Im sorry, I didnt know we were starting early, should I just go back home?” Then he chuckled and said that he kinda spaced-out today and accidentally did Damodarasktam an hour early. So imagine my luck. Two days of trying to meet Guru Maharaj, no avail.

I thought for sure I would meet him on Friday evening but they fortunately let me know that he was leaving that morning. So I decided that my husband and I can see him in the morning. We got there in the morning, and we got to see Guru Maharaj!!! Not just that but I think he kinda felt bad for me so he gave a Bhagavatam class and asked if I had any questons. I didnt, I was just so happy to finally see him for more than five mintues that I didnt think to have a question.

Normally I dont ask questions but when Im around him I just feel like asking. Dunno why. I never ever ask anything. But I guess he makes me feel safe, like whatever questions I have he’ll answer it without making me feel like an idiot.

After class and breakfast Guru Maharaj took a nap. I was told he naps for about 15 minutes but he ended up oversleeping and slept for to hours. He must have been exhausted! After he woke up my husband spoke with him quickly (which is when I found out about the initiation thing) and also my husband asked about giving me some service and Maharaj said that he will talk about it more in-depth with us after his weekend trip.

Third, at the last minute my husband and I decided to go to Alachua for Govardhan Puja. It was quite nice, the Deities were gorgeous, and Govardhan Hill was beautiful and perhaps the most delicious hill I’ve ever eaten in my life. I also got to meet a devotee that I’ve known on LiveJournal for years and she was super nice! It was a good good trip. I was also able to get over the little things that bother me about the devotees there (errm..chewing gum in the temple room is so not cool).

I saw Guru Maharaj for one last time on Tuesday. I saw him with my husband in the morning and he kinda yelled at me. It made me confused but I wasnt really angry. I wanted to clarify myself for sure. But I knew that his chastising me wasnt ordinary. Some sannyasis yell at everyone and anyone. But Guru Maharaj has a polite and patient disposition and doesnt really yell at anyone unless he knows them very well. So I felt blessed and instead of clarifying myself I decided to let it go. I love that our relationship has gone beyond plesantries.

The only thing I dont understand is why he doesnt say my name. I’ve heard him say other devotees names. I think he knows my name, he’s heard it and I sent him a letter so I know he’s read it. I think maybe he hates it. Or maybe he figures he doesnt need to remember it because he’s going to give me a different name really soon (like next month). Maybe he’s like me and just isnt good with names.

I skipped out on my Tuesday class (I know, Im terrible) and went to the program for Srila Prabhupada’s Disappearance Day. And it was totally awesome! There were four Srila Prabhupada disciples in attendance that gave class, Guru Maharaj, Trivikrama Maharaj, Gokula-Ranjana Prabhu and, I know you arent going to believe me, but Bhagavan Prabhu was there. Yes. THE Bhagavan. I wont go into too much detail about him in this blog, but I will in my other one. Or you can just ask me. But the program was great. Great realizations, funny things, sad things.

Prasadam was over and above amazing. And Guru Maharaj’s palak subji was so amazing that my husband and I dreamt of Srila Prabhupada all night. It was sooooooooo good.

I watched Guru Maharaj talk with devotees after the program. I know that some of it is private and perhaps the only meeting some devotees could get with him so I sat super far away and chanted quietly while they chatted and other devotees went about their business.

I really just enjoy watching Guru Maharaj. The way he sits, the way he talks, the way he walks. I’m not really sure if he knows that i watch him. Sometimes its blatantly obvious that I am and sometimes I hide. Im not sure why I do it really. I think I just get caught up in admiring him and I just sort of stare. I know he caught me once. I was watching him during the Govardhana Puja kirtan. He came a bit late but instead of making a big show of himself or pushing his way to the front, he stood quietly in the back and seemed satisfied to just attend the program. And so I was just standing there, outside of the temple and he was about 50 feet away inside the temple. I think he could feel me looking because he turned his head, leaned a bit forward and smiled at me. I grinned back and then felt embarassed and ran away. Im such a geek.

Anyway so back to the original pastime. I stopped watching them after some time and fell into focusing on my rounds. Thats what years of practice does. You focus without even realizing it. Suddenly I heard Maharaj’s voice, “So how are you?” I looked up and Guru Maharaj was looking down at me. I stood up quickly, “I am fine”.
“How many rounds have you completed?”
“Hmm..only 5 so far. I have eleven more to go. I’ll probably be awake until late tonight.”
“You put it off for the last minute?”
“We’ll I’ve been here since early morning trying to help out for today’s program and I’ve had to do a lot of running around so only now have I had a chance to sit down and chant.”
“Oh. Please dont neglect your chanting. Make it a priority.”
“I do Guru Maharaj. I will try harder.”

So if you know me (God I say that a lot), then you’ll know I always have some plan up my sleeve. Guru Maharaj is under the impression that chanting gets in the way of studies. I say, they can co-exist. So I’ve decided to create a kind-of japa journal. It has three columns. One for how many rounds chanted. The second for the time it was done and the last for any extra comments. And on the bottom there is room to write about any realizations I had that day. So from now until Guru Maharaj comes back, Im going to write in it every day. And when he arrives I’ll bind it nicely and present it to him as proof that it is possible to chant at least the minimum amount of rounds while going about daily stuff. Cool?!

Guru Maharaj left on Thursday. I really really miss him.

 

Its the thought that counts

Me: Here’s a flower, take it.
Sri Madana-Mohana: Okay…
Me: Next is the whisk-
Sri Madana-Mohana: Hey wait, what did you give me a flower for?
Me: Because its part of the arati
Sri Madana-Mohana: And thats it?
Me: I guess. I’m kinda thinking about my TV show right now. It starts in five minutes, so if I can hurry up with the whisk thing…
Sri Madana-Mohana: Oh okay…well thanks for the flower…not that I really need it…

I thought of this while I was cooking today and I needed some water. Which then reminded me of the verse:

patram puspam phalam toyam
yo me bhaktyā prayacchati
tad aham bhakty-upahrtam
aśnāmi prayatātmanah

If one offers Me with love and devotion a leaf, a flower, fruit or water, I will accept it.
-BG 9.26

Which made me think about how we offer so many things to Krishna, most frequently during arati, but Krishna doesnt really need these things, He is the original creator after all. What’s He going to do with a leaf and some water? But the key here is devotion. An example that comes to mind is if a father gives his kid some money, and he uses the money to buy something for his Dad. Of course, the father could have just gone out and bought it himself or maybe its not such a great gift to begin with. But because his child gave it out of love, the father is very happy. So when we offer things to Krishna or even to our Guru, its not in the mentality that “this is a ritual and it must be done” or even, “without me they are completely helpless”. But more in the mentality of, “I love you, and this object, though you dont need it, is a representation of my love for you.”

Me: I found these pretty flowers on my japa walk today.
Sri Madana-Mohana: Aww.. I love it!
Me: I know its not very much but when I saw them I thought it would be perfect for your turban.
Sri Madana-Mohana: Thats so thoughtful!
Me: Well, I try to be, I love you so much, I wish I could give you more than some silly little flowers.
Sri Madana-Mohana: No, I love whatever you give me because you do it with love.
Me: Really? So you like my flowers?
Sri Madana-Mohana: Of course I do! Not because they’re flowers but because they came from your heart

 

Posting for the sake of posting

Im just posting to let y’all know that Im alive. I have LOTS to post about but Im keeping my writings on private for now so that I dont jinx myself!

But I will say this much. I went on harinam sankirtan and a nut from a tree hit me square on the head. It was hilarious!

I love Guru Maharaj so so so so so much. He’s just amazing. Like, way more amazing than when I saw him in North Carolina. He’s so merciful and understanding and humble. He makes me forget all my problems. I wish I could serve him. I think anyone that says anything bad about him is probably the greatest sinner in the world and will probably pay for it dearly. But thats just me.

I dont have much else to say, Ive just been surrounding myself with either school or seeing Guru Maharaj. Sometimes he says things and I wonder, “is he so kind to everyone or am I just getting some special mercy?”

I asked him a question on Sunday. I never ask questions! It was probably a dumb question and Im sure everyone thinks Im a hater but I dont care.

 

Gone.

You know, in an earlier post I posed the question, “When does a person get mercy?” and talked about how I feel like Ive been struggling all my life and in the end I still struggle. If you didnt believe me- today will convince you.

As you know, I have been looking forward to Maharaj coming for the last two weeks, I think about it all day, dream about it at night- my husband can vouch for me and say that the first thing I tell him in the morning isnt “Good Morning” but “Prabhu, Maharaj is coming soon”. Today was the day that he came.

I woke up extra early, did everything I needed to do in the morning and as soon as the grocery store opened I drove there, bought yellow and red carnations and a dozen pink roses for the flower garland. Came home, did arati, then left for class. Came back, had a quick lunch, seperated the flowers and leaves from the stem them dropped my husband off at work. Came back home, finished opening all the flowers and made the garland, got myself all gussied up (I put on some make-up and a gopi dress), grabbed my kartals, my digital camcorder, garland (which, I had scented with rose water and offered to Krishna while I got dressed), bead bag, purse and bagpack and ran out the door. Was in class from 4:00-7:15. Ran to the car, drove like a maniac to the airport, arrived there at 8:05 on the dot, got to the bagagge claim all the while calling a certain devotee (who shall remain nameless (no one that I mentioned in the previous posts)) but he didnt answer. Finally, it might have been 8:15 (which is when Maharaj’s plane was supposed to arrive) and the devotee picked up, “Oh you just missed Maharaj by a few minutes, his flight came early and he left pretty quickly”.

I drove all the way home (which took me an hour) crying. I was looking forward to seeing him for two weeks and I missed him by “a few minutes”. I was more than angry, I was pissed. Not really at Maharaj, but, this devotee knew I was coming, he couldnt call me and say that Maharaj already left? I told him that I was definitely coming, he couldnt call me and say “dont bother wasting your time, Maharaj was really tired and just got in the car and left”. Is common courtesy that hard?! And like an idiot Im standing in the baggage claim with all my crap and he’s kinda chuckling and saying “Sorry Mataji”. Can you imagine how I felt?! Humiliated! Imagine yourself in my position. Devastating, isnt it?

I dont know if I can forgive him. I can, I think. In my mind I tell him that if a devotee cannot forgive you then you have no chance of ever entering Vaikuntha. However, though you have been selfish and inconsiderate toward me, I will still show you compassion and forgive you and I pray that it never happens again. But I doubt he would ever ask for forgiveness, he’s like a puri that way. You know- puffed-up on the outside with nothing on the inside? I know. Im completely miserable right now but somehow I still find time to crack a joke.

So instead of being on a “mercy high”. Im lying here on my bed popping Halloween chocolates into my mouth and my eyes burn from mascara and salt.

Bhaktin Praveen is the most unfortunate and fallen soul.
For no matter how hard she tries,
she cant seem to catch hold of the
lotus feet of the Vaishnava devotees.
But she tries. Oh, how she tries.
She begs for a little mercy
to quench her thirst for devotion
but not even one drop falls
from the sky of Krishna Prema.
When will this fallen soul become qualified?